She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
