it hurts more in the daytime
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
