somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
