sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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