Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
