He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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