Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
