I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm sobbing to NWA
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
