So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
