Cold hands, warm shart.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
