GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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