I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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