I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
