yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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