My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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