you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
