The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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