Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
The struggles of a small town man whore
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
