At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
