wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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