Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
It was like getting head from an anaconda
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
