i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
