I swear she didn't look like that last week.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
So here I am, sexting at work.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
