I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
