i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
