this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
how does that bad decision feel?
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