Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
