I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I checked into jail on foursquare
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
