i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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