I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Randomize
