advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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