I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
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