Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
