I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You were trust falling into bushes
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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