you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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