are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
