I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
