definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
