We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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