I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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