I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
