I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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