I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
