i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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