i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
