pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
