Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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