I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
