He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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