i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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