rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
