I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
