I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
