I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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