The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
