did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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