she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
