Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
